Have you ever found yourself in the midst of overwhelming emotions, unsure of how to navigate through them? Whether it is anxiety, sadness, or frustration, it is easy become trapped in our feelings and experience helplessness. However, one often overlooked yet profoundly effective way to manage emotional distress is by contributing to others. In dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), the Distress Tolerance module teaches several crisis survival skills to assist us endure painful situations without resorting to impulsive or harmful actions, which often make situations worse and contribute to our misery. One of the key strategies is to contribute—a tool that can shift your perspective and help you navigate through emotional turmoil (see Distress Tolerance Handout #7, Worksheets #5, 5a, 5b)

What is Distress Tolerance?

At its core, Distress Tolerance is about learning how to bear pain skillfully, without trying to escape from it or make impulsive decisions that often worsen the situation. Marsha M. Linehan, PhD, ABPP, Rōshi, the creator of DBT, stresses emotional pain is an inevitable part of life. However, the way we respond to it is what matters most. Instead of demanding reality change or wishing we were not experiencing pain, we can learn to accept our emotions as they are in the present moment. The more we practice this skill, the more we build emotional resilience.

The Role of Contribution in DBT:

In DBT, the C in the Wise Mind ACCEPTS acronym stands for “Contribute.” This involves offering support to others—whether through time, material resources, or even just attention. By focusing outward, we can create space between ourselves and the distressing event, allowing us to gain emotional distance and clarity. This distance is essential for preventing emotional pain from becoming overwhelming or into suffering.

How contributing helps manage distress

Contributing to others can have a profound effect on how we process our own distress. When we are consumed by emotional pain, our natural instinct might be to withdraw and focus inward. However, by shifting our focus outward, we allow ourselves a break from our own struggles. In the process, we also experience:

A sense of connection and purpose: Helping others fosters a sense of belonging and reinforces our value in the world. In turn, this can make it easier to tolerate distress because we feel supported by our connections.
A break from negative thoughts: Focusing on contributing to others can momentarily take us out of the cycle of rumination and self-blame by redirecting our energy, and therefore creating space to heal.
Increased self-respect: When we contribute, we often find we feel more encouraging about ourselves. Altruism can boost our self-esteem, reinforcing our intrinsic worth and the meaningful impact we can have on the world; however, we need to be careful we do not fall prey to becoming overly helpful or giving unwanted advice.

What does it mean to contribute?

Contributing does not always have to be grand or large-scale. It can be as simple as offering a listening ear to someone in need, sharing a small resource, or showing up for a friend. Some ways you can contribute include:

Time: spending time with someone who is struggling can offer more support than you might realize.
Material resources: sharing food, clothing, or other resources with someone in need is an act of kindness that can also shift your focus.
Attention: just being present and truly listening to someone else’s concerns can make a world of difference.
Volunteering: engaging in volunteer work, such as at a food bank or animal shelter, can give you a chance to connect with others and make a tangible impact.
Donating: giving money or goods to causes you believe in can reduce feelings of helplessness, especially during the current political climate.
Showing up: whether it is attending an event or simply being present for someone in need, your presence alone can have a huge impact.
Knowledge and experience: sharing your skills or life lessons can help others grow and navigate their own challenges, when asked for!
Friendship: offering genuine companionship can provide immense comfort, especially in times of crisis.

Barriers to contributing and how to overcome them

Despite its potential benefits, contributing can feel difficult, especially when we are caught in our own emotional struggles. Some common barriers include:

Fear of reciprocity: we may worry that if we give to others, we will not receive anything in return, which can lead to feelings of unfulfillment.
- “Should I be willing to do for others when I may not get anything in return?”
Feelings of unworthiness: we might think our contributions will not matter or that we are not deserving of the positive emotions that result from giving.
- “Does my input even matter?”
- “How could I make an impact?
- “How could others benefit from me?”
Pride: sometimes pride can prevent us from asking for help or offering help. We might believe we should be able to handle our struggles on our own, which can lead to isolation.
- “I should be able to handle my own stuff before offering assistance to others…”
Fear of making things worse: we may hesitate to reach out to others because we are afraid our contribution will not be helpful or that we will say or do the wrong thing.
- “What if I do not what to say or do?”

However, these barriers are not insurmountable as recognizing them is the first step in overcoming them. Often, the key is to push through fear and pride, remembering that our contribution, no matter how small, is still valuable. When we can learn to validate one’s own emotions and recognize obstacles as the way through pain, the sense of suffering can diminish. The ability and willingness to be kind to ourselves by being kind to others requires strength and courage, which in turn allows for growth.

The Mindfulness Connection: Thích Nhất Hạnh’s Teachings

Thích Nhất Hạnh, a renowned Vietnamese Zen Buddhist master and father of mindfulness, emphasized the importance of interbeing, the interconnectedness of all people and the world around us. According to his teachings, when we engage in acts of kindness, we are recognizing our deep connection with others. We are all one. Through the practice of mindfulness, we cultivate the ability to be fully present—not just for ourselves, but for those around us as well.

In his teachings, he wrote, “The most precious gift you can give to the one you love is your true presence.” Simply being present for someone—offering your full attention, free from distraction—can be one of the most impactful contributions you can make and is the first level of validation. Through the act of engaged Buddhism, Thích Nhất Hạnh encourages us to turn our mindfulness into action, creating social change one small act at a time.

Contributing as a cure for coveting/craving and attachment

Contributing is also an antidote to coveting or craving, which can lead to resentment and suffering. When we focus on ourselves and what we want or think we lack, we risk becoming attached to material goods or outcomes. Who owns whom when we attach to outcomes or goods? Giving, however, can help us release this attachment and recognize how interconnected we all are. As Thích Nhất Hạnh taught, there is no real separation between “us” and “them.” When we give freely, we honor the interconnected nature of all beings.

Thấy wrote in Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm, “The most precious gift you can give to the one you love is your true presence… ‘Dear one, I am here for you.’…’Darling, I know you are there, and I am so happy.’…When you love someone, the best thing you can offer that person is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? Come back to yourself, look into [their] eyes, and say, ‘Darling, you know something? I’m here for you.’ You’re offering [them] your presence. You’re not preoccupied with the past or the future; you are there for your beloved. You must say this with your body and with your mind at the same time, and then you will see transformation…To be there is the first step and recognizing the presence of the other person is the second step. Because you are fully there, you recognize that the presence of your beloved is something very precious. You embrace your beloved with mindfulness, and he or she will bloom like a flower. To be loved means to first of all to be recognized as existing…Even before you do anything to help, your wholehearted presence already brings some relief, because when we suffer, we have great need for presence of the person we love. If we are suffering and the person we love ignores us, we suffer more. So, what you can do – right away – is to manifest your true presence to your beloved and say…’Dear one, I know you are suffering. That is why I am here for you.’ And already your loved one will feel better…Your presence is a miracle, your understanding of his or her pain is a miracle, and you are able to offer this aspect of your love immediately. Really try to be there, for yourself, for life, for the people you love. Recognize the presence of those who live in the same place as you and try to be there when one of them is suffering, because your presence is so precious for this person…This (mantra) is for when you are suffering, and you believe that your beloved has caused you suffering. If someone else had done the same wrong to you, you would have suffered less. But this is the person you love the most, so you suffer deeply, and the last thing you feel like doing is to ask that person for help…So now it is your pride that is the obstacle to reconciliation and healing. According to the teaching of the Buddha, in true love there is no place for pride…When you are suffering like this, you must go to the person you love and ask for his or her help. That is true love. Do not let pride keep you apart. You must overcome your pride. You must always go to him or her. That is what this (mantra) is for. Practice for yourself first, to bring about the oneness of your body and mind before going to the other person to say…: ‘Dear one, I am suffering; please help.’ This is very simple but very hard to do.”

Actionable takeaways: How you can start contributing today

Contributing does not have to be difficult, nor do you need to wait for a crisis to make an impact. Here are some simple ways to start:

Reach out: offer your time to someone who might be struggling, whether it is a friend, neighbor, your pet, or a stranger in need.
Volunteer: Choose a cause you are passionate about and get involved. It is a great way to connect with others and make a tangible difference.
Be present: Sometimes, the best way to contribute is by simply showing up and offering your presence without distraction, as a means of bearing witness to another individual.

Next time you are feeling overwhelmed by your own emotions, remember that contributing to others is not just a way to help them—it is a way to help yourself. By shifting your focus outward, you create the space you need to process your emotions with greater clarity and calm.

May you be well.

* This blog post was originally written 2023. It was edited and updated.