The struggle for self-compassion

Self-compassion sounds simple—just be nice to yourself. Easy peasy. Done and done. Of course…

For many, it is a foreign concept, wrapped in multiple layers of guilt, doubt, shame, resistance, and disbelief. What are the barriers to being kind to ourselves? To treating ourselves as if we would a friend…a friend we actually like? What gets in the way of us encouraging with warmth and compassion? There are multiple barriers that impede people from doing so, including one’s learning environment, the difference between kindness and niceness, as well as the ineffectiveness of self-punishment.

The threat of self-compassion

If self-compassion is healing, why do so many people avoid, resist, or dismiss it? What is the threat of self-compassion?

The answer often seems to be rooted in deep-seated fears and beliefs. When I ask my clients about the threat to offering themselves kindness, the answer includes “if I do that, I won’t be holding myself accountable!” Others fear “being weak” while even more note a sense of betrayal to the lessons absorbed over a lifetime. Where do these barriers come from?

Barriers to kindness

Emotional myths

Society tells us that being hard on ourselves is a sign of strength. We hear things like, “emotions make you weak” or “being emotional means being out of control.” These messages create a myth that emotions must be controlled through suppression rather than nurtured through compassion and validation. In dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), created by Marsha M Linehan, PhD, ABPP, Rōshi, we identify and challenge emotional myths are identified and challenged, which can be an extremely difficult exercise to complete. Many of my clients report strong dislike at the time while later being able to find meaning from the homework. These barriers do not instantly appear out of thin air; they are often ingrained from an early age through environmental factors.

Cultural and stereotypes

Depending on one’s background, self-compassion might be framed as selfishness or laziness. Many cultures emphasize self-sacrifice and resilience, often to the detriment of emotional well-being. If you have been taught self-worth is tied to productivity or sacrificing your wellbeing in service of others, treating yourself kindly is breaking an unspoken rule. How has your culture impacted your ability to be compassionate? bell hooks’ All About Love critiques societal norms that discourage self-love, particularly for women and marginalized communities, and Audre Lorde’s A Burst of Light discusses self-care as a radical act, especially for those facing systemic oppression.

Traumatic invalidation

People who have experienced invalidation—whether through childhood neglect, abusive relationships, or systemic oppression—often struggle to believe they deserve kindness at all. If your pain has been dismissed or minimized, self-compassion might feel like a luxury rather than a necessity. Melanie Harned, PhD, ABPP, developer of the DBT-Prolonged Exposure Protocol (DBT-PE), identified multiple types of invalidating behaviors: criticizing, unequal treatment, ignoring, emotional neglect, excluding, misinterpreting, controlling, blaming, and denying reality. How many have you experienced? Some of my favorites include, “get over it,” “you are making that up,” “it was just a joke,” “stop being so sensitive,” and “you are so emotional!”

Gender and self-compassion

Gender plays a significant role in how we approach self-compassion. Societal expectations often dictate who “deserves” kindness and who must “toughen up.” Men are frequently taught self-compassion is a weakness, equated with vulnerability and passivity. The pressure to be strong, stoic, and self-sufficient makes self-kindness a failure. Women often face the opposite struggle—socialized to be caregivers, they may feel guilty for prioritizing their own needs. Self-compassion can be misinterpreted as selfishness or an abandonment of their expected roles. Nonbinary, transgender, and gender-nonconforming individuals may experience self-compassion struggles as they navigate societal pressures, stereotypes, and identity invalidation. The battle for self-acceptance in a world that may not always recognize or respect their identity can make self-kindness feel even more radical and necessary. Regardless of gender, the key is recognizing self-compassion is not a privilege or indulgence—it is an essential element of well-being for everyone.

Growing up in a limited-resource environment

If you grew up in a large family with limited resources—whether financial, emotional, or both—you might have learned kindness was somewhat conditional. As long as you did as you were told, things will go well for you. Maybe you were taught to prioritize others or that self-care was egotistical or an extravagance. These lessons are not easily mitigated, yet they can be unlearned. Through practice, patience, and the diligence, we can learn how to be kinder to ourselves despite our upbringing.

Childhood and early life experiences often reinforce self-criticism as the means toward self-improvement. I know my younger years included berating myself for making mistakes in the classroom, soccer fields, and at home, yet my ‘self-accountability’ seemed to make the situation worse rather than better.

Kind versus Nice

There is a crucial difference between kindness and niceness. My colleague, Jeff Brenneman, MSW, LCSW, DBT-LBC™, knows this is a soapbox of mine, so I will not go on too long.

Niceness is often about keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, and maintaining appearances while also promoting external approval. I remember multiple instances of being told to “play nice” only to revert to all sorts of nefariousness once the adult’s back was turned. Many folks are told to “be nice” in social situations, which only reinforces superficiality and separation.

Kindness, on the other hand, requires honesty, values, limits, and sometimes, discomfort. I often tell my clients, “Compassion requires accountability. I am doing this because I care” when setting difficult limits or offering a perspective that may be difficult to hear. My Zen teacher, Randy Wolbert, MSW, LCSW, Rōshi reminded me we have to start with self-compassion before we give compassion to others.

A recent haiku I wrote in an attempt to capture some magic:

The Zen practice of zazen, seated meditation, involves sitting quietly, observing one’s breath, facing impermanence without attaching to thoughts. This practice can assist in cultivating equanimity, self-awareness, and self-compassion. We can learn to meet ourselves with openness and validation rather than self-criticism.

The trap of self-flagellation

“If I’m hard enough on myself, maybe next time I will finally get it right.” This was a statement made to me by a client to which I asked, “and how is that working for you?”

Does this sound familiar? Many of my clients believe self-criticism and self-hatred is the only path to self-improvement! If they punish themselves enough, maybe, just maybe they will stop making mistakes. However, research—and lived experience—suggests the opposite, per Kristin Neff, PhD and Paul Gilbert, PhD, leading researchers in self-compassion. Self-flagellation only reinforces the emotion of shame, making real change even harder and causing individuals to become trapped in a spiraling labyrinth of negative cognitions. Shame occurs when we do something society deems as wrong or uncouth, whereas guilt occurs when we do or do not do something that goes against our own personal values.

The Buddha’s own life serves as a powerful lesson against self-punishment. After leaving his princely upbringings and before attaining enlightenment, he practiced extreme asceticism, nearly starving himself in the belief that suffering would lead to wisdom. However, he found self-cruelty did not bring him closer to truth—only balance did. This realization led to his teaching of the Middle Way, which emphasizes avoiding both indulgence and harsh self-denial.

His words in the Dhammapada reinforce this idea: “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Rather than seeing self-compassion as indulgence, the Buddha saw it as essential to awakening—a teaching that resonates deeply with modern psychology’s understanding of self-care and emotional resilience. We need to learn how to reject self-flagellation and pursue mindful awareness and kindness.

How much do you want to live?

This is the real question behind self-compassion. When you withhold kindness from yourself, you are not just being tough—you are making life harder than it has to be. Imagine waking up every day and carrying the weight of relentless self-judgment: I know I am the WORLD CHAMPION of beating the absolute shit out of myself yesterday, today, and maybe tomorrow, so I need to ask myself, how willing am I to accept what is and change what I am able?

Now, imagine, what if that weight were lifted, even just a little bit…

What would change?

Do you want to live, or do you just want to survive?

There is a difference.

Choosing self-compassion is not just about feeling better—it is about creating a life worth living. It is about obtaining freedom from greed, hatred, and ignorance. To quote Pindar, “Become who you are by learning who you are.” When you give yourself grace, you are not giving up; you are giving yourself a chance to truly live.

Stoic perspective on self-compassion

Though Stoicism is often associated with self-discipline and emotional control, many Stoic philosophers recognized the value of self-compassion. Seneca advised against excessive self-punishment, emphasizing patience and understanding toward oneself. He encouraged a balanced approach to personal growth, reminding us cruelty toward ourselves is counterproductive. Epictetus, a major influence on cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), taught we should recognize what is within our control and not blame ourselves for what is not. One of my tattoos states, “Control the things you can control & do something with the time given.” He suggested learning from mistakes without excessive guilt as the path to self-betterment. Marcus Aurelius reminded himself to be as kind to himself as he was to others. He acknowledged human imperfection and the importance of accepting flaws while striving for growth. Whom do you know to be perfect?

(Would you really like them if they were…?)

The Stoics understood resilience and self-compassion are not opposites—they are allies. By practicing self-compassion, we align with our inner wisdom: learning from our struggles without letting them define us. Continue up the sand dune.

Zen perspective on self-compassion

Zen’s view of self-compassion is rooted in mindful meditation and direct experience. Bodhidharma, the founder of Chan Buddhism in China, emphasized self-awareness and inner strength. He taught that suffering comes from attachment and misunderstanding one’s true nature. Self-compassion, in this light, is about seeing ourselves clearly—without harsh judgment or clinging to self-imposed narratives, which are often the roots of suffering. Hakuin Ekaku, a renowned Japanese Zen master, stressed true enlightenment includes both wisdom and compassion. His writings remind us self-compassion is not passive; it requires deep introspection and the courage to face our own suffering without turning away: facing impermanence without blinking is an active process.

Zen teachings suggest being kind to oneself is not about indulgence—it is about clarity. When we stop fighting ourselves and accept reality as it is, we create space for true growth. In both Stoicism and Zen, self-compassion is an essential tool for living fully and wisely.

A DBT inspired approach to self-compassion

DBT offers a structured approach to self-validation, balancing acceptance with change. In DBT, we recognize harsh self-judgment leads to emotional dysregulation whereas self-validation fosters resilience and emotional balance. Self-compassion is not directly taught in DBT, yet the skills offer a parallel journey via self-validation. The practice and skill of Radical Acceptance teaches self-compassion begins with accepting reality as it is rather than fighting against it. This means acknowledging our mistakes, pain, and emotions without judgment, right now. We can learn to accept ourselves with compassion rather than with punishment. Learning the skill of Mindfulness of Current Emotions is difficult, and instead of dismissing our emotions as “too much” or “not real,” DBT encourages recognizing and validating our feelings as legitimate experiences without ascribing truth to them. Emotions are sources of information, they are energy, they organize us for action, so learning to be more self-compassionate toward our emotions in a nonjudgmental manner allows for better emotional regulation. The skill of Opposite Action to Emotion Urge notes when self-criticism becomes a habit, DBT suggests practicing the opposite—responding to ourselves with kindness instead of punishment. The more we act opposite to the emotional urge, the stronger the behaviors become: old habits are often more powerful than new skills, so we have to practice and cultivate patience. Additional skills include Building Mastery and Lovingkindness, and Self-Validation as DBT is full of wonderful interventions and opportunities to engage in self-compassionate behaviors.

Choosing self-compassion

So how do we break free? It starts with recognizing self-compassion is not about weakness—it is about resilience, tenacity, and courage. It means challenging old narratives, questioning cultural expectations, and realizing kindness is not a finite resource. The more we give to ourselves, the more we have to offer the world. We need to take care of ourselves so we can take care for others.

As Shunryū Suzuki Rōshi, author of Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, stated, “We say, to shine one corner of the world—that is enough. Not the whole world. Just make it clear where you are.”

Tonight, when you make a mistake, instead of engaging in self-criticism, what would it be like to meet yourself where you are, as a human-being, deserving of love and compassion? How can you find a more wise-minded way of greeting yourself? What is one small act of kindness you can practice today?

How much do you want to live?